On preserving my shanti

A Cypriot postcard (to mainly eldest daughters)

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The Aram is a newsletter established on International Women’s Day in 2020. It centres the journeys, joys and ease of women of colour and Muslim women everywhere.

Feel free to stay here and share with friends. I have so much planned for The Aram this year inshallah.

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“Instructions for living a life.

Pay attention.

Be astonished.

Tell me about it.”

— Mary Oliver

read

As you may know, if you follow me on some part of the internet, I turned 30 over the weekend. February 1st, to be exact. It had been a momentous moment I considered often in my 20s.

It’s funny. Actually turning 30 was nothing like I had imagined it. The weeks before were joyous while also full of grief and stress from every corner of that creation called Life. There was no time to think about the number I was turning, no time to reflect but simply continue living on.

read: On turning 30 (!!!!!!)

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I also woke up on my birthday at 3:30 am to head to the airport — something I hadn’t managed to do on any birthday before. Usually, I am surrounded by Loved Ones and there’s much noise but I require peace for this birthday.

When I got to the resort in Cyprus, the sun was out with some early Spring breeze. The horizon was inked with streaks of indigo and sapphire blue with the competing sky blooming into violets and corals. It was quiet, it was calming, it was Loving, as the sea always has a way of grounding and reminding me of what’s important.

sorry if you’re reading this from somewhere cold

read On a stolen suitcase and jumping into the sea

Then two days into the trip, I was called and pulled out of that serenity.

It doesn’t matter where I go, it seems as though I am always going to be a daughter to South Asian parents.

At the buffet dinner that night, guilt crept in that I was away enjoying some winter sun while my parents were growing older and still working their 9-5s.

But isn’t this what they dreamt and hoped for? That their daughter’s life would differ. That I would have the freedom of options to make decisions from?

I realised at that moment that it is true what they say. You cannot choose what someone projects or expects of you, especially your parents but how you react. This eldest daughter trope is indeed a lived experience and we do make excellent leaders (see HomeGirlsUnite.com) but it does not have to be an identity I lean on.